illustratori che ho scoperto oggi

Berk Orztek :  on Freedom

Berk Orztek : Freedom

Elly-Mackay : Circus

Ester Horchner

RAW ...

a rusty fresh start..ALONE

If life is full of paradoxes I better watch out. I just had to do it. I have had it on my mind to come back here and fill these pages instead of my diary/es.
At least the entries here would have a form of continuum rather than having drawing and writings scattered in at least 4 little big books at the time.
At least here I also keep the illusion that there is someone out there... although I know that statistics about blogs are pretty discouraging now that facebook is on the rise sngac sgnac...( sound of mandibles).

My heart is totally smashed and in million bits and pieces. I really felt like killing myself ... instead I cried my eyes out for 48 hours more or less non stop, added 4 more just not too be mean with it... and resolved that now some sarcasm might save my life.

Not that I feel that it is worth saving. But well I don't think I will ever have the guts to end it, not unless I really have too.

Now that I have almost smoked about 40 sigarettes in the stated time ( makes average less than one per hour) but than I also slept 2 hours...

Now that I am really convinced that the only person that would indeed notice would be me, it kind of scared me to go trough with it.

I believe one has to allow oneself to contemplate it though. Than you know...

And you know that though you really do not want to live like you are and what the things about life you are finding out... you wish you had not. And you also wish you were the most insensitive or insensible thing on the face of the earth...

Today I don't feel alone... I am alone. My family folks are the only one that knew I was unwell but they did not ring... I was tired of ringing them, and finding they were occupied so... I though alias at last alone: ALONE

Still a pal from the south rang me I only met him once in my life. Does the universe conspire to get you wrong? well... I managed trough. Don't know about my sanity but who bloody cares about sanity anymore?

Some people think that avoiding depression is a good thing... I think I have also been one of these, but I thought for once that maybe to embrace it would be a better option this time. Which was do exactly what I felt like doing. In this particular week end: to stay at home cry and feel all the misery that I see and witness within and around me.

To cry the loss of yet another illusion concerning my man friend, and possibly also the real loss of his company. For sure cried the loss of the fabulous intimate encounters we have had. But hey I also cried the fact that there is nothing I can do about it.
So I eventually resolved that at least I could think of all the great times we have had and celebrated them in a monologue-delirium-comic-style sketchbook. Black ink directly on the paper. It was great to see the black ink flow. If only for the sake of it.

That it's of course thanks to Sisilly , I have kept her at bay for a long time, or was it she went off for a holiday... One or the other I don't know. I just know I feel like writing without censoring anything here. So we are back to play. A bit rusty but with the once in a two year resolution that we shall post on... and keep at it.


P.S. I HATE XMAS!!!!